In honor of George Carlin

Carlin was 71. Time well spent. In his honor, I offer this piece, which appeared in The Argonaut on March 21, 2008.


The Supreme Court is having another look at the Federal Communication Commission’s indecency policies and the penalties dealt as a result of violations.
This isn’t as much about what can and cannot be said over the air as it is about how the FCC hands out its fines.
Basically, a few people think the FCC policies are more vague than NASCAR’s penalties and need to be cleared up before Janet Jackson’s breast pops out again or George Carlin thinks of a few more things you can’t say on the radio.
So-called shifting standards have left broadcasters scratching their heads and other parts, wondering what they can say and what words remain on the naughty list.
In case you don’t know the “seven words you can’t say on the radio,” they are …
Really? You don’t know those seven special words? You must not watch cable, then. Technically, the FCC has no regulatory power over cable or satellite TV and radio. That’s why Howard Stern is on satellite radio now. He can do whatever he wants.
This isn’t stopping the FCC from sticking their nose into cable’s business practices. By getting involved in cable providers’ support of analog televisions and ownership caps, they are setting themselves up for deeper involvement in how many times “South Park” can say “shit” in one episode.
It’s 162, just in case you missed that one.
Sometimes I wonder about certain words, though. For example, you can say “ass,” but not “asshole.” When the word is censored, they don’t bleep out “ass,” they bleep out “hole.” Carlin didn’t even have this one on his list, so how bad can it be, really?
And what about “tits”? Does that really belong among the other six words? I don’t think so.
People don’t seem to mind “shit” as much as they do two other words, commonly referred to as the C-word and the F-word.
Our friend the F-bomb, honestly, is overplayed to the point of being ridiculous. There’s an entire documentary with the word as its title.
That other word — recently used by Jane Fonda on “The View” while discussing “The Vagina Monologues” — is one Americans haven’t yet embraced. The British use it all the time.
I’m of two minds on this. One part of me thinks we should start using it more and drive it into meaninglessness like we have with “fuck” — Oh, no, I said it. It’s all about context. Get over it — and then it will go away.
The other half of me knows that if I type that word out right now, I’ll get slapped and probably feel bad about myself later.
I know this to be a fact.
I knew a very sheltered girl back in high school who didn’t know a lot of dirty words. I, on the other hand, knew all of them. We were in drama and debate — yes, I debated often in high school — and I convinced her to perform a scene from “Silence of the Lambs” with me.
I told her when I gave her the script that if she wanted to change anything to let me know. She didn’t and we won a state title.
Then someone else told her what the word referred to. Not only did he get slapped but so did I.
The power of the word is such that at the next competition, sans C-word, we took last place in every round. It would have been nice to continue winning, but I understood her point, too. I should have told her what she was saying.
Broadcasters should learn to take the same approach. If you are going to allow people to say certain things, even if it’s in the heat of the moment such as an awards show, expect repercussions or save it until after 10 p.m.
The folks in charge might want to take another hint from NASCAR. The person who lets slip one of the Sinful Seven gets fined, too. It might discourage letting those word escape.
The words haven’t changed since 1978 when Pacifica Radio put Carlin’s infamous monologue on the air. If you don’t what they are, that’s fine. You don’t need to seek them out. You are better off not knowing.
For the rest of us — and this goes for anyone writing a book, TV show or movie; anyone singing a song or talking on the radio — use your head.
As Carlin also said, “In certain company it’s perfectly fine to prick your finger but not to finger your prick.”
Somewhere, there is a place we can all agree on what is decent and what isn’t. Wherever that might be, it isn’t for a government entity to decide that line for us. We’re adults, we can make choices without government interference.
Even the FCC agreed that certain language was historically accurate and valid given its context within the film “Saving Private Ryan” when ABC aired the Steven Spielberg film in 2004. Historical context also allowed for “Schindler’s List” to air uncut on NBC in 1997.
Maybe the FCC just really likes Spielberg. Or maybe, for a few years there, they weren’t the fascist regime they are often portrayed as being.
What about the children who could be exposed to things they shouldn’t hear? That’s what parents are for. The kids are going to hear these words anyway. It’s up to parents — not the government or any other institution — to instill their morals into them.
And when children become adults, they can swear up a holy storm if they want to.

With minor adjustments and empty pockets, even the raunchiest of comedians can become family friendly. Carlin was Mr. Conductor, as you kids who watched “Shining Time Station” might remember.
Thirty years sure can change things, but you still can’t say “fuck” on TV. Even if it’s the same sound “FCC” makes if you say all the letters together.

One more thing: shitpisscuntfuckcocksuckermotherfuckertits